Testimony

by Stephen Schwartz
 
A piece about realizing your self worth albeit frustrations, doubts, and fears.

I don’t want to be like this

I don’t want to be who I am

Every day that I don’t change

I blame myself

I am not trying hard enough

I am not trying hard enough

When they find out

No one will love me

I’ll lose my family

And all of my friends

I’m trapped like a fish with a hook in its mouth

I am impersonating the person I show as me

I’m an imposter

I am a spy behind enemy lines

I pack my feelings so deep inside me

They turn to concrete

Every night I ask God to end my life

I am an abomination

God, take this away or take me away

I don’t want to be like this

I don’t want to be who I am

I don’t want to be how I am

I don’t want to be what I am

I don’t want to be anymore

Today, I’m going to hang myself

Today, I’m going to slit my wrists

Today, I’m going to jump off my building

I’m trapped, I’m stuck, I’m trapped

Take me away, take me away, take me away

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Hang in, hang on

Wait just a little longer

Hang in, hang on

I know it now, I know it now

If I had made myself not exist

There is so much that I would have missed

I would have missed

So many travels and adventures

More wonders than I knew could be

So many friends with jokes and secrets

Not to mention the joy of living

In authenticity

Sometimes I cry

Life can still be hard

But there’s no part of me

Still crying “hide me”

I would have missed

The chance to sing out like this

With people I love beside me

I have been brave

I grew, and so did those around me

And now look what a life I’ve earned

It gets more than better

It gets amazing and astounding

If I could reach my past

I’d tell him what I’ve learned

I was more loved

Than I dared to know

There were open arms

I could not see

And when I die

And when it’s my time to go

I want to come back as me

I want to come back as me