Quench The Fire!

“All students, please proceed to the open field immediately.”

Said a woman after the fire alarm rang.

There was fire. I was so scared. I prayed so earnestly for the first time in my life. I looked up and saw the birds flying, the leaves swaying, and the clouds doing nothing. I was about to cry. In my innocent mind, I know I was finding the perfect last words to say to my grandmother and my mother before I die. When suddenly… the alarm rang again. And that same woman said,

“The fire drill is over. All students, please go back to your respective rooms immediately.”

I was a 3^rd grade student back then. And as I look back at that moment, I can’t help but laugh! I really felt like it was the end of the world, and I don’t know why I felt that way – I will never know why. Honestly, in the middle of the noisy crowd, all I heard was the sound of chirping birds; in the sea of faces, all I saw was our empty school canteen. In my mind, I was saying I’d miss the taste of my favorite chicken sandwich. The fire drill was an emotional drill to me. As I look back, I now understand why I felt that way.

I’m afraid of goodbyes. I’d rather stay timid so no one could come close to me. Maybe it’s because I lived this life without a father. I grew up only with my grandmother and my mother and I grew up contented of loving them, only them, exclusively them. I’m afraid of losing bond so I’d rather not start anything special. Fast forward to college, while studying in Mapua, my life was such a mess. My mother was in Cavite and my grandmother was in Canada. I had to live in Manila with my relatives; always with them yet always alone. I failed two major subjects because they required group efforts; I lost 30 pounds because eating required seatmates; I lost my dignity because of alcohol; I almost lost my life because I felt it was not worth living at all. I was an absolute failure in all aspects of life.

I went through hell yet I kept going. Glad I did. Cavite was my next stop. I locked myself in my room, nothing but myself for one whole day. I was so desperately finding purpose. I needed to feel that this life they say is a gift is really a gift. I was mutely shouting to God, “Ano na? Ano na? Buhay ba ‘to? Bakit walang kwenta?” Tears kept rolling down my face until I fell asleep in sorrow. I dreamt of a funeral service for Judy Ann Santos’ mother. Judy Ann was mourning wearing a long red gown. I was also mourning while riding a bicycle along a very dramatic pathway, like that from a Koreanovela. I didn’t know why – I will never know why. But, still in tears, I woke up and realized I have to let go so I could dream again.

The question kept playing in my mind, “What now? What now?”

But the answer was clearer and louder, “I want to be part of many people’s lives.”

But how would I do that?

A few days after that, I told a friend that I want to become an elementary school teacher because I want to be part of many people’s lives.  At the back of my mind, I was thinking of my jolly and motherly Filipino teacher; my short-haired, half-smiling T.L.E. teacher; my grumpy, hot-tempered P.E. teacher; my calm Christian Living teacher; my strict but lazy Math teacher; and my heaven-sent Values Education teacher (who lent me an umbrella because it was raining, only to find out that it was broken and unusable, but still, her warm smile made her seem like an angel). I know the job required a lot of goodbyes, but I am willing to face everything for the sake of seeing my dream become a reality. She laughed so loud and said I wouldn’t be a good teacher. I knew that but I thought that’s the only job that would fit my dream so I must pursue it. Then she mentioned that if I really want to be influential, I must take up Mass Communication. She said it involved writing. After that, without knowing anything but that, I changed my mind and took the course.

Fast forward to my life now, I’m studying at Cavite State University. I passed six semesters and still striving to finish what I started without losing gladness in my heart; I regained 30 pounds (or even more) because I have loving people around me; I found dignity deep inside my soul no matter what has happened to me in the past; and my life is good, I am satisfyingly telling you that my life is good.

Truly, your defining moment can be defined only by you; your most fulfilling dream can be fulfilled only by you; your unworthy past can only be worthy if you are willing to be different today, in word and deed. Life is a series of goodbyes. The hurt caused by it is the most difficult hurt of all, but I will never be willing to fear them again. As they come, I have learned to say “It’s all worth it” and accept the greater challenges ahead.

Do not fear. Let your heart shine so you could see your destiny. Just hold your dreams and hold them tight.