What My Eyes Could Never Say

They say that the eyes are the windows to your soul. Sometimes, even I can't see through mine.

I closed my eyes. It's midnight and I am working by choice, yet again. This is exactly the reason I left a place of friendship and fun. Now, I am forced to be awake again--alone. By choice. Alone. By Choice. ALONE. I can't stress it enough.

As my vision turned completely black, I saw myself walking by that office I used to see every weekday for five months. I miss it, especially the way it smells--like that of an expired loaf of bread, but tasty just the same. I saw the smile of someone I didn't even know before then. I got close to her, really close. We swapped stories about dreams and simple fulfillment, even those we have yet to achieve and continuously hoping for. We had a downfall and are now casual friends without the emotional connection we used to have. I miss her. She's about to leave that place as well. Maybe because she wants to start sentences with buts again, maybe because she's just sick of robotic work, maybe because she got lost in herself, as did I.

I am about to cross a great milestone in my life--the first year anniversary of my college graduation. And where am I? Stuck, by choice, wide awake every 2 o'clock in the morning even if I want to sleep. Yes, I am complaining even if I've brought this to myself. Yes, I am confused, still, as to what my identity as a professional should be. Heck, I don't even know where to go to reach my dreams. I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what to give more priority to. I am lost in my own world, in my own skin, in my own vision.

I have things, hopes, ideals, and beliefs to hold on to, even if I am slipping away. It's not over 'til it's over. Even though I really want this to be over. I just want to see my Father presenting me my Garden of Rest. If I had a choice, I'd skip this living hell even with all its grandeur. I want to be where I was designed to be. No competition, no desire, no cross to bear. If I had a choice--but I don't.

That doesn't mean I am overcome by grief. It's just there hanging around my whole being, but I can still proudly say I have my core. I won't ever give that up since it's the last thing that'll be left I can call mine. I have a life given by the Perfect Giver, the Ultimate Wisdom, the Unending Joy, the Unwavering Hope. I will treasure it by being thankful and living it the way I want, without caring what others say so. It's mine and mine to love. It's mine and mine to accept. It's mine and mine to embrace. It's mine and mine to live, selfishly if necessary.

I need help to know what I want this life to be. It comes naturally, daily. All I have to do is acknowledge It. Take time to hear It. I'll get by. We all do.